Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A fascinating post about my hair

I'm growing it to terminal length. Basically, I'm going to grow it until it will grow no more. I imagine that will be about knee-length.
Now this may not be so easy seeing as I cannot restrain myself from bleaching my black hair blonde, but I have devised a plan! (Cue boring hair plan).
I've decided to only bleach my roots twice a year, and to only get it done in a stupidly expensive salon. It looks weird and it costs a lot but it's worth it because I like having blonde hair and because the condition of it is so good when it's done this way. Besides, some boys recently told me that they "like the black" and also I don't want to grow out my natural colour because that would mean cutting my hair to two inches long and starting over. By the way, I discovered that not bleaching my roots for six months was good for my hair through pure poverty.
Next, I've decided to reduce how often I wash my hair. Normally, I washed my hair every second day, but I've reduced it to every third or fourth day, depending on what I'm doing. I've also started using coconut oil in my hair for a few hours before I wash it. It comes in a jar, hard, so you just dig it out and rub it in your hands to melt it, then put it in your hair.
When I'm washing my hair, I put conditioner in before I shampoo it, and I don't rinse it out. I then shampoo the roots only, I don't pile my hair on top of my head. I rinse it all out normally and then condition as normal. I leave the conditioner on while I complete my showerly duties and rinse it out at the end. Just before I get out I rub a pea-sized dot of conditioner all over my palms and put it through my hair, I don't rinse this out.
When I get out of the shower I don't towel-dry my hair because this roughs it up and leaves it frizzy because it's so delicate. I just put a towel around my shoulders and let it drip dry.
Finally, and most importantly, I've given up heat of any kind - no blow-drying and definitely no straightening. I'll let myself straighten/curl for special occasions though.
I've only been doing this for a week and already my frizzy, dead, bleached hair is soft and shiny so hopefully it will stop breaking off at the ends and GROW!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Cry for help

It was such a slap in the face to be told that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, and that there is absolutely no reason for me to be there.

"I'm dying."

"No you're not.
Come back in five weeks and we'll see how you are."

I won't survive five weeks.
I won't survive five minutes.

I tried really hard. I fought really hard. You have no idea how insurmountable it seemed to ask for help, but I did. And I kept fighting, I kept asking for help but nobody has helped me. Nothing has changed. They have failed me.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Cheating

I think it's the most disgusting thing ever. Why would you do it? If you want to have sex with random, dirty people you met in a club, be single. If you want to have sex with someone you chose and worked for, someone who's always there for you, someone who's your best friend, someone who you love to hang out with, someone who knows what you like, be in a relationship. You can't have both, and why would you want both?
It just makes me so mad to see people who cheat all the time, people in long-term relationships with partners who appreciate them and love them so much, and they just say, "Everyone does it. It's in our nature." Well no, I don't think it's in our nature at all. We need monogamous relationships because unlike gorillas, who people who say this base their judgement on, we don't have a struggling population. Mating for life creates a population that is diverse and therefore better defended against disease. But I'm almost going off topic here.
I would never, ever cheat on Mark, because it would be pointless. I chose him because he is everything I want in a man. He's perfect, why would I want to go out to a club and settle for something less? Nobody could compare. Why go out to a club and get with someone not as good when he's there in my home with a big smile on his beautiful face, waiting for me with love and cuddles and chocolate?

Monday, November 1, 2010

No Dawn, No Day; I'm always in this twilight.

Today was pretty cool, Mark and I pretended to be real people which was an unusual experience to say the least. We got up at eight am and I moisturised my face, then we ate breakfast at the dining table instead of inhaling a Nature Valley bar on the way to college. I always get the urge to go "Crunchy Nature Valley bar" in a Welsh accent. You would be jealous though.

Anyway I went to college and parked the car with minimal crashing/casualty and went to my first nine am philosophy turtorial, which is a big deal for me, it was hard and I'm happy I did it. I then went home for two hours and ate an orange like a real person.

On my way to my German lab I found a lost kitten hiding under the lockers in the arts block and I didn't go to German, but I read another two chapters of Dorian Gray and went to Philosophy of Religion.

I'm trying to finish all the books I've ever started, in the manner of a real person; I started Dorian Gray when I was twelve so that's the stage I'm at now.

Anyway, after college we went to Woodie's to get paint for my room and while I was there I spotted this eighteen hundreds looking bird cage which I had to have even if it meant I couldn't eat for a week. Currently it's in my room happily housing a cuddly elephant toy. It's my favourite thing that I have ever bought.

Long story short, I didn't paint my room today. But I tidied it and got it ready. Baby steps.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Progress

Okay, so I admit, I haven't been getting much done lately, but baby steps. Today I shaved my armpits! I'm hoping to paint my room this week, it's my goal for the next five days. Nothing spectacular, just warm cream, I live in a rented house so I have to keep it neutral. My room looks like it hasn't been painted since the seventies when it was built, but paint doesn't cost too much and it will make all the difference. It will make me feel better about getting up in the morning too :D Pictures coming! Now I have to do it because I've promised pictures!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

please help me. i know someone's out there?

escape

i feel a bit like going for a drive. where should i drive to?

help me.

i'm going to stay up all night because if i close my eyes it will take me. i just want it to stop.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Failure

I could have gotten 600 points and gone to college to do medicine. Alas, I didn't, not because I don't have the smarts but because I don't have the mental wherewithal. Maybe I will use all this extra arts degree time to come up with something meaningful to mankind, some nobel-worthy literature from the mind of a madwoman. I'm completely lost. My life is meaningless.
I've completely lost my mind. I'm trapped, I'm sick of being me and I can't unzip myself and climb out like I want to. I can't make it stop. I'm locked in a bunker deep underground and it's really dark in here. Nobody understands. I've been asked, "Why don't you just do the assignment?" Well, that would be fucking peachy, wouldn't it? I'd love to 'just' snap out of it, 'just' get of bed and go to college and 'just do' the assignments. It's not because I'm stressed at starting college like everyone else. It's not because I'm lazy. It's not because I'm a perfectionist, and it's not because I lack social skills.
My social skills are wonderful. You should see me. You'd never know I'm battling an inner lunatic during a normal social interaction.
It's all a lot more serious than that. I can't get out of bed, and when I do, I'm screaming on the inside. The thoughts of performing a normal, everyday activity is completely overwhelming. I look absolutely fine though, so I must be absolutely fine. That's how it works, isn't it?
It's bad enough to be cripplingly, life-threateningly sick, now imagine you're dying and everyone around you is asking you why you didn't 'just do' the assignment. Or worse, telling you that you have no social skills; where did they even get that idea? They've completely got the wrong end of the stick!
It's gotten to the unbearable stage but there is nothing I can do. I can do nothing and suffer unbearable pain and madness and die, or I can seek help and be treated like an attention-seeker. I cannot bear this. Nobody knows how utterly crippling it is. Nobody knows how hard it is, and I can't tell them. There are no words. Please help me. Please please please please please. I have been at the unbearable stage for weeks, I don't know how I am still alive, and nothing has changed since the start. I need help now. I need it to stop right now. My thoughts are racing. Help me please. Please.
I don't know what to say or do. There is nothing I can do, and I can't bear it. I want to scratch my skin off and jump out of my body and escape.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

A lightless Earth meets a starless sky
When the snow ceases
And I wander the world
In search of inspiration.

In Blue

in blue
the world fades
the pallid light
you glow, beautiful
i turn away.

Oh no.

Drowned in the warm soft rain
I've always wished that I was all alone
I've always wished that you were on my own.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be found
I wonder if I was ever lost in the first place
It would be so easy to say I was never lost in the first place
I think you need to blow me away.
Slowly, surely, I think you're doing just that
You're creeping up on me and I'm spiralling.

I can't show anyone my world.

Mark

Your eyes are oceans full of diamonds
And love, and sadness,
Your body is so vivid to me
The body of a god
Your cheeks are so rosy and full of life
I adore you.
You are so alive!
Your hands approach every task with certainty
And confidence
With immense power
But impossibly gentle
And loving.
Your smile so bright and easy
And you love me.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I cannot live.

Monday, January 18, 2010

He's arresting.

Monday, January 11, 2010

grey mist

i want to go down to the sea again
to be
alone.

i want to die again
to be washed away
again.

i want to go down to the sea again
to sit
and wait
for wave to swallow me
until i turn to stone.