Sunday, October 31, 2010

Progress

Okay, so I admit, I haven't been getting much done lately, but baby steps. Today I shaved my armpits! I'm hoping to paint my room this week, it's my goal for the next five days. Nothing spectacular, just warm cream, I live in a rented house so I have to keep it neutral. My room looks like it hasn't been painted since the seventies when it was built, but paint doesn't cost too much and it will make all the difference. It will make me feel better about getting up in the morning too :D Pictures coming! Now I have to do it because I've promised pictures!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

please help me. i know someone's out there?

escape

i feel a bit like going for a drive. where should i drive to?

help me.

i'm going to stay up all night because if i close my eyes it will take me. i just want it to stop.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Failure

I could have gotten 600 points and gone to college to do medicine. Alas, I didn't, not because I don't have the smarts but because I don't have the mental wherewithal. Maybe I will use all this extra arts degree time to come up with something meaningful to mankind, some nobel-worthy literature from the mind of a madwoman. I'm completely lost. My life is meaningless.
I've completely lost my mind. I'm trapped, I'm sick of being me and I can't unzip myself and climb out like I want to. I can't make it stop. I'm locked in a bunker deep underground and it's really dark in here. Nobody understands. I've been asked, "Why don't you just do the assignment?" Well, that would be fucking peachy, wouldn't it? I'd love to 'just' snap out of it, 'just' get of bed and go to college and 'just do' the assignments. It's not because I'm stressed at starting college like everyone else. It's not because I'm lazy. It's not because I'm a perfectionist, and it's not because I lack social skills.
My social skills are wonderful. You should see me. You'd never know I'm battling an inner lunatic during a normal social interaction.
It's all a lot more serious than that. I can't get out of bed, and when I do, I'm screaming on the inside. The thoughts of performing a normal, everyday activity is completely overwhelming. I look absolutely fine though, so I must be absolutely fine. That's how it works, isn't it?
It's bad enough to be cripplingly, life-threateningly sick, now imagine you're dying and everyone around you is asking you why you didn't 'just do' the assignment. Or worse, telling you that you have no social skills; where did they even get that idea? They've completely got the wrong end of the stick!
It's gotten to the unbearable stage but there is nothing I can do. I can do nothing and suffer unbearable pain and madness and die, or I can seek help and be treated like an attention-seeker. I cannot bear this. Nobody knows how utterly crippling it is. Nobody knows how hard it is, and I can't tell them. There are no words. Please help me. Please please please please please. I have been at the unbearable stage for weeks, I don't know how I am still alive, and nothing has changed since the start. I need help now. I need it to stop right now. My thoughts are racing. Help me please. Please.
I don't know what to say or do. There is nothing I can do, and I can't bear it. I want to scratch my skin off and jump out of my body and escape.