Saturday, October 22, 2011

Seven Days

seven days have made me older, and thinner, since the last time i saw your perfect face, twisted with rage.

i look up at the sun shining nicely and i think, 'doesn't it know?' i hear the buskers playing jaunty music and i wonder why nobody has told them. i watch the news and wonder how anyone can care about any of that shit when we have broken up. i walk down the street in dublin city centre and it feels utterly depopulated, because one person is missing. but not any one person. you are missing.

when we first fell in love, i was crazy. i was going through the throes of a bad break up. i wasn't eating. i was drinking violently. i was destructive. and you loved me anyway. you loved me, when i made myself so fucking hard to love. i should have known it was too good to be true. i should have known i would fuck it up. it took me long enough, but i managed. it's true. i can't bear to be happy. i compulsively, irresistibly attract trouble into my life. i want to get better.

and i need to get thinner again. i've lost ten pounds so far this week, so the going is good, and i think it's pretty obvious that i'm dedicated. today, two different people told me that my face looks thin again. there was a hole in my heart so i threw away my plate, because nothing filled me up, no matter what i ate.

i constantly feel like i'm having a heart attack. i'm having palpitations and a constant crushing pain in my chest. at night, i cry so hard that i can't breathe. i feel like my grief is literally suffocating me.

seven days is by far the longest i have gone without speaking to you in three years now. this is ridiculous. this is not natural. we are meant to be together. i can't imagine the world any other way. there's a huge gap where we should be.

i wish we could be together again. if only we could, things would be different. i would make me so damn easy to love. i think about you constantly. everything reminds me of you. surely you must feel the same? surely the light must be blinding to you, too? surely you are lonely, and bored, and you cry all night in your empty bed, made up on my side? surely you haven't just forgotten me? how could you? we were madly, unstoppably in love for three years. surely you haven't moved on? don't you miss me? aren't you wracked with a constant, unquenchable urge to call me, or run to me, just to see me again?

this is every single one of my worst nightmares coming true at once. when i had those nightmares, i would wake up in a pool of sweat, in tears, terrified, but i had absolutely no idea how much a world without you would really hurt. the human mind cannot comprehend that level of pain. this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. the pain is unbelievable, worse than any physical pain. i have to constantly fight the instinct to get up and run, keep running forever, to run for my life, but it won't do anything. wherever i go, it will be there. it's like having my hand on the stove and not being able to take it away.

i wrote a poem about you. when we first met. it was almost prophetic.

i miss you when you're gone
like i know it's all a dream, everything
everything is grey
like every sky is grey when you're gone
when you're here every sky is jet black and sparkling
twinkling in the velvet
me and you
twinkling star-crossed sometimes i wonder
how long til you're gone forever?
dancing in the velvet near the water
so close to dancing in
drowning in the velvet sometimes i wonder
why do i miss you when you're gone?

and you can tell everybody, that was your poem. and yes, that was before i almost danced into the river and you caught me. i mean, really did find love in a hopeless place. we found love in athleague. at the end of the world, we found love. and in dublin, in the middle of every going-on in the country, we lost it.

i just want to talk to you. for three years, i told you every thought that entered my head. i showed you everything i saw. i talked to you about everything. even those things too strong to convey in words, we shared, silently. and now... total silence. not understanding, comfortable silence. deafening, agonising, huge, searing, white silence. i'm screaming and nobody can hear. i'm screaming my lungs up and no sound is coming out.

all the paths i walk head straight to you, and yet it's as if i'm on a treadmill. you never get any closer to my grasp. i feel like my stomach is full of jet black stinking tar. i miss you so badly. i love you so much. i want you more than i want my next breath.

i don't see what anyone can see in anyone else.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Fuck. My. Shitty. Life

My boyfriend is gone. My friends are gone. I'm homeless in the emotional sense. In the physical sense, my rent has tripled. My hamster died. My dog has a doggie version of Alzheimer's. I have to pay college fees that I wasn't supposed to have to pay. My grant money won't lodge for another three weeks, and I've maxed out my overdraft. And my back tooth is crumbling out of my head.

I'm dying to know what you've got in store for me next, God. I have to compliment you on your creativity thus far.