Elsie Dollheart's Consumerist Fluff

New Year's Resolutions

2012-01-02T22:55:00.001Z

1. Keep calm and stay classy.

2. Say 'fuck it' several times a day, every day.

3. Make time for creative stuff.

4. Become a published poet.

...I guess that's it. I think my New Year's resolutions are great! I wasn't going to make any since I thought that I've changed enough this year for the better, but then making resolutions is actually quite fun and there's always room for improvement. It's liberating that for probably the first year since puberty, losing weight isn't one of my resolutions, because I've already done that, along with breaking almost every other bad habit I have... I'm so proud of how cool I became in 2011!

Here's to 2012. This is my year. I've earned it.

Hope Photography

2011-12-18T23:27:00.001Z

This is part of a project I did on the theme of hope, but I didn't really like any of the other pictures I came up with. I like this though.

Whitehall

2011-12-17T21:18:00.002Z

This is a poem I wrote in my mind the other morning when walking to collect my car from where I had been drinking with my friends the night before. Oooh, friends! Anyway, it's about the butterfly effect I suppose, and wondering whether Mark and I were supposed to break up, or whether if some small aspect of our lives had gone a different way (it didn't have to be the house, it could have been anything), would things have gone differently? There's more to it, like the theme of living as opposed to just existing, but it's so hard to explain - which is why I wrote the poem in the first place, trying to verbalise that which cannot be verbalised.

Whitehall

I walked briskly on a frosty, hung over morning

Through Grace Park Junction,

Past the house where we almost

Lived

Where the small room smelled of heroin.

If the estate agent had ever called us back

Would things have been different?

Or was Our fate carved in stone?

The lump rose in my throat,

And I felt pathetic for even wondering

Whether I was not totally at fault.

I pictured us

Living

There.

Parties, smiles, in bed on cold mornings like this one

Like a film playing before my eyes

And I can't get my head around the fact

That you ever happened.

That we ever

Lived.

Waiting for the Psychiatrist

2011-12-06T23:35:00.001Z

I'm waiting to see the psychiatrist to ask him for something to take the edge off my life. I always get the best ideas for stories in crazy places like here. The walls are cinder blocks, painted white. The carpet appears to be made of blue brillo pads. The seats are orange. I am offended by the colour scheme.

I don't speak to the other girl in the waiting room, I'm analysing her. I want to know what's wrong with her. We'd probably be friends, us both being loonies. She has a blonde streak plaited into her bobbed brown hair. She has that pretty but hunted look of Winona Ryder in Girl, Interrupted. I notice that she's got a bookmark in every single page of her copy of 'Pride, Prejudice and Zombies.' Proof, I think, that she's crazy.

In fairness, she probably thinks I'm mad, too. So far I've gotten out of my seat three times: Once to ask the receptionist a question, once to get hand sanitizer and once for what must have seemed like no reason at all (was going to ask a question again but decided against it).

I'm reasonably sure I can hear the psychiatrist cutting his toenails behind his office door. The sound is unmistakable. So that's what they do all day! Later on, he will tell me that his room is very well insulated and it's impossible to tell if there are people outside it.

She gets called in before me. Her name is Justine, and I wonder whether she'll be crying when she comes out. It's half past four. My appointment was at four. The budget is being broadcast on the radio. It would drive you crazy if you weren't already there. It occurs to me that I may be considerably madder than I think and I may have imagined the psychiatrist, or for that matter, this whole situation.

Justine isn't crying when she comes out. The offices are like a maze. I still want to know what's wrong with her. I imagine she looks thin, but in reality she's just a slim teenager. The psychiatrist appears to go back to cutting his toenails and doesn't call me in for quite some time.

Naas Mayor Refuses to Deal with 'Black Africans'

2011-11-22T13:38:00.001Z

http://www.rte.ie/news/2011/1122/scullyd.html#article

This is disgusting and downright dangerous. If our leaders are allowed to be racist then it becomes okay for everyone else. I hope this blows up into a shitstorm. I'm so ashamed to have to share oxygen with people like this. Part of me is wishing this will become an international scandal because it is a huge deal and he shouldn't be let away with it, another part of me fears that if this happens, all Irish people will be branded as stupid and backward as this gentleman.

This man's job is to represent and protect a large community. It does not say in the job description that he is the representative of some of the people of Naas. He does not get to pick and choose who he represents within Naas. Isn't the mayor supposed to be on your side? That may be a naive notion but at least most mayors aren't so in your face about it.

If he's experiencing aggression, that's fine, don't deal with people who are aggressive to you. I'm sure plenty of white Irish are aggressive to him but he's not coming out and saying he won't deal with white Irish people. You can't just come out and say a whole description of person is aggressive and you won't deal with any of them. I could say that I have seen Irish people who are stupid racists but I don't go and decide that they all are (no matter how tempted I may be at this present moment, we do not think like this man).

Is this legal? Labour TD Aodhán Ó Ríordáin (http://twitter.com/#!/AodhanORiordain) tweeted that he is reporting Darren Scully to An Garda Síochána (the Irish police) for incite to hatred.

Twitter is hopping about this and I hope it gets picked up on an international forum.

The most typical part of it all is that he's surprised he's being called racist.

Tiny Bedroom Storage Solutions?

2011-11-12T02:58:00.001Z

Please help me. My bedroom is a box room. It's tiny and I can't fit half my things in it. I have no idea what to do.

My wardrobe is packed to capacity and is only holding half my clothes. The top shelf is a mess filled with clothes that don't fit and badly-organised things I hardly use, like snorkelling gear haha.

I have a drawer full of a stuff under my bed that I never use and yet have been unable to throw out. I think I need to shut my eyes and bin it all without looking so I can use the space for things I actually need, but I just know that if I look in it I'll be like "OMG I need this." And promptly put it back and never use it again. I think I get scared at the prospect of throwing stuff out because I never really had loads of things.

Also, my mother, who I love dearly, doesn't help! She's all "You need to declutter" and that but when I try to throw anything out she intercepts me, starts going through the stuff and asks questions like "Why are you throwing out this old scrap of dirty fabric (or whatever), are you sure you won't need it?" At which point I burst into tears and declare that I can't bear to part with it and that I know the minute I throw it out I'll realise that I urgently need it.

My bedside locker is also filled with belts and shit that I NEVER USE and yet also cannot bear to get rid of. The result is that the stuff I do use which came out of my old house where my room was bigger is in boxes and I can never find or use any of it because my useless shit takes pride of place! All my art supplies, my make up and jewellery, my clothes, bags, accessories like hats and scarves and shoes as well as my books and CDs are all packed up in boxes in the spare room. They make me sad just to look at them. The thought of unpacking them is extremely sad and overwhelming, like accepting my fate, but I still wish to do so and I have nowhere to unpack them to! I feel homeless. I have shelter and at home I even have family to love me but no real place to keep my things. I know, it's a first world problem and there are people on the streets much worse off than I. Knowing this doesn't stop it bothering me though. I'd like to unpack, make a home for myself and carry on with my life but my own clutter is holding me back.

Maybe this is just a physical manifestation of what I'm doing mentally. Clearing out the old, painful though that is, and replacing it with the new, shiny, positive, useful thoughts which make me happy, which don't bog me down or hold me back! I need to tackle it, and I'd love to do it tomorrow (because it's 3am now) but I have so much project work to do for college, PLUS I need to find a job, PLUS I'm going out for dinner and dancing (haha we are an old couple) with Sophie. Well don't get me wrong, I want to go out with Sophie, it's just an example of not having enough time! And on Sunday I'm heading back to Dublin so I won't get time! Aaaaagh!

On one hand I want my life to slow down so I can catch my breath since I'm always so busy, on the other hand, the thought of having nothing to do at the moment absolutely terrifies me! Well, okay actually, I've thought about it, and it doesn't terrify me any more. It scares me a bit. But I have found things to occupy my time like meditating, singing, dancing, going to town, reading... and painting if I can ever dig my art things out again :(

The One That Got Away

2011-11-04T14:07:00.003Z

When I first heard this song, I really liked it, and I thanked my lucky stars that I would never be singing it about you. It's like the world has turned upside down - what were once my nightmares are now reality, and what was once my reality is now my dreams.

Summer after high school, when we first met
We'd make out in your Mustang to Radiohead
And on my 18th birthday, we got matching tattoos
Used to steal your parents' liquor and climb to the roof
Talk about our future, like we had a clue
Never planned that one day I'd be losing you

And in another life, I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises, be us against the world

And in another life, I would make you stay

So I don't have to say you were the one that got away

The one that got away

I was dreaming you were my Johnny Cash

Never one without the other, we made a pact

Sometimes when I miss you, I put those records on

Someone said you had your tattoo removed

Saw you downtown singing the blues

Its time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse

And in another life, I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises, be us against the world

And in another life, I would make you stay

So I don't have to say you were the one that got away

The one that got away.

Seven Days

2011-10-22T01:37:00.000+01:00

seven days have made me older, and thinner, since the last time i saw your perfect face, twisted with rage.

i look up at the sun shining nicely and i think, 'doesn't it know?' i hear the buskers playing jaunty music and i wonder why nobody has told them. i watch the news and wonder how anyone can care about any of that shit when we have broken up. i walk down the street in dublin city centre and it feels utterly depopulated, because one person is missing. but not any one person. you are missing.

when we first fell in love, i was crazy. i was going through the throes of a bad break up. i wasn't eating. i was drinking violently. i was destructive. and you loved me anyway. you loved me, when i made myself so fucking hard to love. i should have known it was too good to be true. i should have known i would fuck it up. it took me long enough, but i managed. it's true. i can't bear to be happy. i compulsively, irresistibly attract trouble into my life. i want to get better.

and i need to get thinner again. i've lost ten pounds so far this week, so the going is good, and i think it's pretty obvious that i'm dedicated. today, two different people told me that my face looks thin again. there was a hole in my heart so i threw away my plate, because nothing filled me up, no matter what i ate.

i constantly feel like i'm having a heart attack. i'm having palpitations and a constant crushing pain in my chest. at night, i cry so hard that i can't breathe. i feel like my grief is literally suffocating me.

seven days is by far the longest i have gone without speaking to you in three years now. this is ridiculous. this is not natural. we are meant to be together. i can't imagine the world any other way. there's a huge gap where we should be.

i wish we could be together again. if only we could, things would be different. i would make me so damn easy to love. i think about you constantly. everything reminds me of you. surely you must feel the same? surely the light must be blinding to you, too? surely you are lonely, and bored, and you cry all night in your empty bed, made up on my side? surely you haven't just forgotten me? how could you? we were madly, unstoppably in love for three years. surely you haven't moved on? don't you miss me? aren't you wracked with a constant, unquenchable urge to call me, or run to me, just to see me again?

this is every single one of my worst nightmares coming true at once. when i had those nightmares, i would wake up in a pool of sweat, in tears, terrified, but i had absolutely no idea how much a world without you would really hurt. the human mind cannot comprehend that level of pain. this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. the pain is unbelievable, worse than any physical pain. i have to constantly fight the instinct to get up and run, keep running forever, to run for my life, but it won't do anything. wherever i go, it will be there. it's like having my hand on the stove and not being able to take it away.

i wrote a poem about you. when we first met. it was almost prophetic.

i miss you when you're gone
like i know it's all a dream, everything
everything is grey
like every sky is grey when you're gone
when you're here every sky is jet black and sparkling
twinkling in the velvet
me and you
twinkling star-crossed sometimes i wonder
how long til you're gone forever?
dancing in the velvet near the water
so close to dancing in
drowning in the velvet sometimes i wonder
why do i miss you when you're gone?

and you can tell everybody, that was your poem. and yes, that was before i almost danced into the river and you caught me. i mean, really did find love in a hopeless place. we found love in athleague. at the end of the world, we found love. and in dublin, in the middle of every going-on in the country, we lost it.

i just want to talk to you. for three years, i told you every thought that entered my head. i showed you everything i saw. i talked to you about everything. even those things too strong to convey in words, we shared, silently. and now... total silence. not understanding, comfortable silence. deafening, agonising, huge, searing, white silence. i'm screaming and nobody can hear. i'm screaming my lungs up and no sound is coming out.

all the paths i walk head straight to you, and yet it's as if i'm on a treadmill. you never get any closer to my grasp. i feel like my stomach is full of jet black stinking tar. i miss you so badly. i love you so much. i want you more than i want my next breath.

i don't see what anyone can see in anyone else.

Fuck. My. Shitty. Life

2011-10-21T23:20:00.001+01:00

My boyfriend is gone. My friends are gone. I'm homeless in the emotional sense. In the physical sense, my rent has tripled. My hamster died. My dog has a doggie version of Alzheimer's. I have to pay college fees that I wasn't supposed to have to pay. My grant money won't lodge for another three weeks, and I've maxed out my overdraft. And my back tooth is crumbling out of my head.

I'm dying to know what you've got in store for me next, God. I have to compliment you on your creativity thus far.

Please vote for me?

2011-08-16T00:10:00.002+01:00

I spent a really long time on this! You design a room for a Radisson hotel and if you win, you get to stay in your room for 30 days in the year, which would be so awesome. I think the whole atmosphere I was trying to give off is hawt too. So please vote for me?

http://design.radissonblu.com/en/user/Maria/9490.html

Ghost Estates

2011-07-04T02:07:00.000+01:00

We intended to go play tennis, but we somehow got distracted and explored some ghost estates. Only one of them produced okay pictures though, so I'm gonna discuss that here. Here's the view of a massive on from the road. Only four houses were ever built but we still explored it for ages.

Here you can see the four houses clearly. They were a really long walk away!

There was stuff everywhere that I imagine could be sold for lots of moneys. Technically these estates don't belong to anybody. The companies that built them don't exist any more and the banks don't want them because of how much they would cost to clean them up. In my head I imagined that construction in these places had simply paused and would eventually resume, but logically I know that this will never happen. A hundred years from now they will stand, overgrown, as a tribute to what they might call the Great Recession.

This ran all the way up the side, I imagine it would be a reasonable-sized stream in winter.

Here you can see that the site just goes on forever. This would have cost the developers millions of euros to buy. For each proposed estate the developers had to pay the county council €200,000 euro to clean it up and make it safe for it the company went bust, but this money appears to have disappeared down the cracks.

Squillions of red bricks that are going to go to waste.

We found a bike too. I have no idea how it got here or who just left their bike behind them, but it was rusted stuck, the pedals wouldn't even turn.

Foundations as far as the eye could see. Why didn't they build it in stages?

As you might be able to guess from the size of the gravel underfoot, this adventure was seriously hard on the ankles. You could so easily hurt yourself, but I'm not blaming anybody or giving out about this instance, this estate is fenced off and boarded up, I went in here knowing exactly what sort of dangers I could have been putting myself in. On the other hand, we visited a different estate with some people living in it, unfinished, with all sorts of dangerous terrain and materials lying around. How would I feel if I had bought one of these houses off plan, as was so common, and now I had to live on a building site unsafe for any children I might have for the rest of my life?

It goes off for miles in the other direction.

Foundations forever.

Some semblance of what would have become a road.

The four houses, looking like outcrops in a vast desert.

These electric cables weren't properly covered, I could in theory have just lifted the cover off.

Judging by the number on the door, they had high hopes for this place. Note the mould on the door handle.

A picture through the window of the house farthest to the left. This must have been intended to be the show house. Look at the fancy, modern wallpaper and wooden floors. (I still thought of the model home from Arrested Development. Actually, this whole estate reminds me of that.)

Here's the view of the four houses close up.

Yes, those are salt shakers in the back kitchen window. It's amazing, it's got a Mary Celeste vibe to it, although nobody ever actually lived here. It's totally inaccessible by car. There was a brand-new washing machine in there too, still in its shrink wrap. It's incredibly sad to think that there are people homeless on Ireland's streets when this house which will never be used is locked up.

This is the side/back garden of that house. The thistles were nearly as tall as I am.

Rolls of designer wallpaper going mouldy and sunbleached in the window.

See the corrosion on the door handle? I just wonder, is this because it was neglected, and if so how? Is it just a cheap door handle, and would this have happened even if there were people living here? Overall the impression was that these houses were incredibly poorly and cheaply built, as was the case with most of these totally unnecessary estates. There are almost five thousand of these ghost estates in Ireland. What were these developers thinking? Who did they imagine was going to move into them? Where were these people going to appear out of?

I hadn't expected it, but the doors on the houses were rather shortsightedly locked. I was hence not surprised to discover one of the back windows smashed. I didn't go in because I would have cut myself to ribbons.

In any case, it wasn't necessary, as only the first two houses had door handles. It was easy to get into the third and fourth houses.

As you can see they're not well built. There are no proper walls inside the house, when they were finished you could have punched through to your next-door neighbour. It's just aluminium and fiberglass, which would eventually have been plasterboarded over. I imagine the finished houses would have been freezing in the winter.

The picture seen below is the dividing wall between two houses. You would not only have heard your neighbours' music or their baby crying, you would have heard them turn over in bed with walls so thin.

How much is all this wasted foam insulation worth? It breaks my heart to see waste because I was raised not to waste anything and I was raised to know the value of everything.

No stairs, just a ladder up. Mark climbed it and said there was nothing to see so I saved conquering my fear of heights for something more worthy.

Here you can see the gap under the back door.

Just aluminium with a cement chimney.

Piles and piles of beautiful tiles, stacked up, never to be used.

The view back to the road, with more piles of red bricks.

You can see here that the houses came flat-packed.

Here is an absolute mountain of what I can only assume was sand or gravel or something. It probably cost a lot of money. Now there's four-foot-high grass growing on it and it's lost forever.

The 'road' back to civilisation. I was getting pretty tired at this stage.

I thought it was pretty cool how so much can grow in a place like this.

Here's what was probably the site office. Lol at the fact that the gate was bolted shut!

The cows freaked out when they saw us and started stampeding all over the gaff.

I found this 'No Overtaking' sign humourous.

Massive concrete pipes.

I sustained a sexy injury exiting the site, as the wall was higher on the exit side than the entrance side. It doesn't look like much here but it will bruise nicely.

And some random photos off my camera for your viewing pleasure. Here's the sea at Bundoran from when we went there on our anniversary.

Here's Mark drinking Tesco energy drink stuff... I think it's called kick.

And of course no post is complete without a picture of me, is it?

Pictures of Mark and I Eating

2011-06-29T01:25:00.001+01:00

I know, I love myself too. I have been working on some poetry lately, due to the growing rash of misery on my body, but I just hate it too much to show you. The good news is that I'll probably go back to my old self fairly soon. Right now though, I'm going to show you pictures of the night we went out for dinner in a Thai restaurant.

I honestly have no idea where my life is going.

Oh God, this is really hard because I'm in one of those moods where I think I'm ugly in every single picture ever taken of me.

Oh well, here comes the camwhore.

My favourite photos of myself are always the ones where I look five.

I love taking photos of Mark. He's so adorable and gorgeous and you can't get him to sit still for five seconds so you get some really great expression shots. You can see why I write stories about him.

This was the closest to getting him to stay still but you can still see his lip twitching.

Oh and it was around this time that I started learning how to Photoshop stuff. Well, how to use GIMP, because I'm poor. This was the first picture where I properly shopped the whole thing, you can see the difference between the before and after (even though they aren't the exact same picture). I think it's really good for a first attempt! I especially like the awesome job I did whitening my teeth. Mark, unlike me, is beautiful and doesn't need to be shopped.

All this happened before we even left the house. I always feel embarrassed taking photos in public even though everyone does it! That's why there aren't many after now. That's a fear I really need to get over.

I think we're a really cute couple even if I am a hose beast. His gorgeousity balances out my -ness.

Okay I'm pretty cute in the photo below so I'm leaving it.

Mark has this little problem where his phone somehow got surgically attached to his hand. It pops out at really inoppurtune moments at times so if anyone has any idea how to deal with this please feel free to contribute.

Although at this time it was reasonable as he was looking up on the internet how to use chopsticks so we'd look cultured.

Then our starter came. It looks scrumptious in this nicely edited photo doesn't it?

Here's Mark drinking beer for your viewing pleasure.

And here's my main course, it was duck of some description, I started eating it before I remembered that I wanted to take a photo of it.

Updates? I'm going to DCU in September to do Multimedia. I'm dying my hair some Bedlam colour because who am I kidding, nobody is going to hire me anyway. I'm working on averting my overwhelming apathy and starting my own computer repair business. I need tax and insurance for my car and I'm poor. Have I mentioned before that I'm poor? Sigh. Please guys, hurry up with the Nobel prize so I can get on with my life.

Heart Attack Grill

2011-06-02T12:48:00.000+01:00

This is awesome. I really want to go here!

http://www.heartattackgrill.com/diet.html

"No More Yo-Yo Effect! Doctors agree that continually cycling body weight up and down is one of the very worst things a person can do to themselves. That's why our program is focused upon keeping your weight in an extremely stable, gradual and constant upward slope."

I really want to try this just for the experience. Plus if you're over 350 lbs you eat free! Perfect for me... Joke. I obviously do not weight that much. The food offered includes the Quadruple Bypass Burger, Flatliner Fries, the Butterfat Shake and no-filter cigarettes. According to the Wikipedia article, the Quadruple Bypass Burger packs up to 8,000 calories. The Heart Attack Grill was founded in 2005 by Jon Basso with the declared intent of serving "nutritional pornography."

While this is clearly tongue-in-cheek I can see people getting irate at this restaurant promoting obesity. Sidenote: Look at the fitties working there!

Synesthesia

2011-05-21T17:55:00.000+01:00

I found this on my travels and thought it was really cool. It's a short film by Terri Timely that tries to explain what synesthesia feels like. Synesthesia is where the senses get mixed together, causing people to, for example, see music.

I found this at kottke.org and there is some more about it there too.

Listen

2011-05-08T13:30:00.000+01:00

To these songs. If you have any hint of a soul left in you, it will sing along.

This is poetic genius.

Mark finally found this. It's the song from the Nikon ad. It's amazing! I love Big songs.

Ticklish Baby Penguin

2011-04-18T16:30:00.004+01:00

I just thought I could brighten your day by showing you this!

I just found out that this little guy's name is Cookie (the same name as my cat!) and he lives in the Cincinnati zoo :D

Some Poetry, Like in the Olden Days

2011-04-13T19:45:00.002+01:00

Written while listening to Adele who is such an inspiration.

Smoking and sobbing
Alone
Waiting for the masterpiece that's never going to come,
Constantly taking away until there's nothing left of me

Trying to hit the notes of I'm-So-Great.
I'm kidding myself.

I'm addicted to those things of Artists. It's holding me
Back
But without them there would be no Art,
Nothing to be held back from.

A Wholesome Night With the Twins

2011-03-29T16:00:00.000+01:00

We went to the twins' house. Ellie and Koren. We intended to go out, but we didn't. Here are a load of pictures!

Mark looking nadorable.

Mark explains the intricacies of Aldi 7up.

You can see how enthralled Ellie is.

Koren objects,

but Mark and Ellie find her point absurd, laughable even.

In other news, here's my Doc Marten boot, which Mark is high-fiving.

I enjoy Koren as a photographic subject.

I love Ellie's hair, it's long and flowing and carefree. I want mine to be like this.

Here's a picture of me looking like an alien.

This is Áine, say hello :)

Here's Aisling. She's so casual about everything.

Mark and I :D

Blame it on the boogie.

Aisling.

Áine and Koren.

This is Grylls.

Mark and Ellie, always with your tomfoolery.

This is a great picture, Mark is telling his drink to shush.

Here's me. Lol.

Áine feels passionate about something.

This is my favourite picture ever, in the world, ever. It's Ellie making the face of the Annoying Facebook Girl meme.

Another alien picture. I'm weird.

I think Mark may have just beaten Ellie.

Ellie dances.

Aisling approves.

And then there was the morning after...

...and then we relocated to Mark's house and did it all again.

The Hellfire Club

2011-03-25T23:38:00.001Z

We climbed up Monpelier Hill (felt more like a mountain, in all seriousness) to the Hellfire Club. It's supposed to be one of the most haunted places in Ireland and it was very creepy actually, I was so scared to go inside. It has a seriously creepy history, whether you believe in the supernatural or not. The Club building was first built in the eighteenth century as a hunting lodge on the site of a prehistoric passage grave.

This is the road we climbed up, it's way steeper than it looks lol. I was sweating like a pig haha.

The building became notorious when the Irish Hellfire Club began using it as a meeting place. These were fairly creepy guys. They got up to a load of debauchery in there but they were mostly doing occult stuff in there, scary shit. The president of the Hellfire Club was 'Burn-Chapel' Whaley, a descendant of Oliver Cromwell who had a reputation for burning down Catholic churches. Accounts of the club's meetings say that they left a chair vacant for the devil - yikes!

Here's the view from about halfway up the mountain. We almost turned back at this stage because we were really tired and weren't even sure we'd find the club - there were numerous tracks on the mountain and no signposts!

Things supposed to have taken place at the club include black masses where they sacrificed animals and even a human dwarf. Further down the hill a small skeleton was found beneath a house - that of a child or the sacrificed dwarf? Creepy :(

We had to stop for a rest/camwhoring oppurtunity.

Anyway at some point the buliding was damaged by fire. Some say this was done on purpose by the members to give it a more Hellish appearance. Another story claims that someone accidently spilled whiskey on 'Burn-Chapel' Whaley and he responded by dousing them in whiskey and setting him alight, the fire spreading to the building.

What you see below me in this photo is Dublin city and the plains of Kildare and Meath. Pretty impressive, I think!

According to one story, the members kidnapped, murdered and ate a farmer's daughter. The Club disbanded in the year 1800.

Okay let's end the suspense. Here I am having finally arrived at the club.

I can't believe I climbed a mountain in a denim skirt, woolly tights and Ugg boots. I was dying of heat, uncomfiness and sore feet. Okay, let me explain. I knew that the Hellfire Club was in the Dublin mountains, but I thought you could drive up to it. Stupid maybe but that's what I thought! It wasn't that bad though and I felt good for exercising, even if I cancelled it out by going for McDonald's afterward.

I tried to take a photo of the amazing scenery at the summit but Mark photobombed it.

Here's Mark in front of the Club. Originally the entrance was on the first floor, accessed by a wooden staircase. We walked around the building outside for ages, psyching ourselves up to go in. Even walking up to the building was weird because the mountain was covered in forest but all the trees surrounding the club were dead. Eek!

We eventually did go in. This is a picture of the staircase you see when you walk in the downstairs entrance. It's a horrible, blurry photo but I just want to show you how much my hands were shaking!

The building was very creepy in that it was really dank, dark and a damp. We didn't see or hear any ghostly goings on though, I don't know whether I'm disappointed or relieved!!

Here's proof that we not only went into the building but we also went upstairs!

Once we were inside it wasn't that scary, maybe our eyes adjusted and it didn't seem so dark. Here's some more pictures from inside, the fireplaces and looking up out the window in the arch. *Shudder* It's pretty horrific to think of what happened in those very rooms!

Okay, now it's time to trek back down the mountain. One last photo before we go. You can tell how relieved I am by my face! I love this photo of us, I think we look quite sweet ^_^

The long road down. Again, this was waaay steeper than it looks here!

On the way back down we found this. I didn't know what it was and Mark had to explain that it was frogspawn. I had never seen frogspawn before! I thought it was so cool that I had to take a picture!

When we finally got to the bottom we went driving around the mountains. Cue camwhoring in the car.

Here's what we were listening to, turn it on for the full effect!

Florence and the Machine is amazing. I love her album 'Lungs'. We drove really high up into the mountains. We stopped to take pics, here's one of Marky.

There was a sheep in the road. We tried to get a picture of him but he ran away. Here's his bum for your enjoyment.

Here's the long, winding road down.

It looks so lovely. After this we headed to Bray and got McDonald's, then we went home. Lovely day :) Goodnight!

What I Wore Today

2011-03-24T13:13:00.000Z

I find these posts oddly fascinating when other people do them :)) I'm fairly sure I was subconsciously channelling Ke$ha here, obviously I don't look as cool as her but I've been listening to her album 'Animal' so much lately and it's so good! My favourite song is Stephen lol... Okay maybe that's just the funniest song.

I cleaned my room especially for this so you better appreciate it.

I love this floral top, I bought it in Texas for like €20 which isn't cheap for me, but I wear it with everything and it's so versatile, and comfy too. I wear it with skinny jeans, leggings, and just black tights and heels for going out.

It was originally going to just wear the top and tights but it was a bit short for daytime and the tights are see-through as well. So I wore these adorable shorts Mark bought me in Penney's for like €5. I love the pattern and the colours.

Ha, I'm so uncool. I like these lilac tights but never quite know how to wear them. Can't remember where I got them. They're laddered now but I kinda like that. It goes with the knee-high Doc Martens I'm wearing with this outfit. I wish I had only gotten the shin-high ones though because it's really hard to dress the knee-high ones and they look a bit like horse riding boots, but they were cool with this outfit and Mark said it was cool how I wear Doc Martens ^_^

So basically I'm not sure about this outfit lol but I feel quite cool wearing it so it can't be that bad!

Product Review: Chanel Rouge Allure no. 39 Precious

2011-03-23T20:16:00.000Z

Basically camwhoring post. Lol this lipstick is well expensive and I'm poor but my mum was lovely enough to give it to me :)

Here's my gorgeous face.

It's a great purpley colour. I was dubious about the purple lipstick trend, but I like it on myself now I've tried it, I'm a convert. I'd like to try an even bolder purple but like yeah. This lipstick is lovely and creamy and seriously stays on for hours on end, and also it doesn't feel like you're wearing lipstick so it wasn't annoying me all day. Chanel feel free to sponsor me lol :P

Also the case/bottle/vessel it was in was really cool, you press the bottom and it pops out which entertains me, it's quite futuristic.

Here, I Googled it for you.

Short post tonight because I'm busy partying and Ellie and Koren's trash den. Lol :) See you tomorrow xx

Avocado Hair Mask and Hair-Care Update

2011-03-22T18:07:00.000Z

Before I begin, look at these rotten old petrol pumps, aren't they gorgeous? I want them in my living room.

And I've set up a Facebook page, add me biznitches. Here I am.

Anyway, back to business. Remember ages ago I posted a blog about wanting to grow my hair and talking about my plan of action? Well, you'll be glad to know I've pretty much stuck to it, with some wisdom gained along the way, and my hair is growing like a weed. Here it is.

Personally I think it's gorg, but I'm used to having hair like straw with split ends all over the shop. Why yes, yes I did dye it purple... and yes I am poor and it has faded really badly but the issue at hand is the length and texture, not the colour of my hair lol.

I still condition wash condition condition (ha, it's time-consuming but has caused obvious improvement). I haven't stuck to reducing how often I wash it - it gets horribly itchy when it's dirty. I've changed how I use coconut oil - instead of laying it on before I wash my hair, I just put a tiny bit in after I wash it, while it's still wet. I don't know yet what sort of difference this is making, but it certainly hasn't negatively affected my hair. I haven't stuck to avoiding towel-drying - I have no excuse, I'm just lazy and I don't like getting my shoulders wet. My poor hair. I'd say it would be a lot softer if I didn't towel-dry it. And finally, yes, I have stuck to my no heat styling rule, but only because I'm so lazy.

I've learned some things along the way, too, and added some more steps to my hair care routine! My favourite is that I now take Udo's Oil every day. It's expensive but wow it makes such a huge difference. My skin is glowing and my hair is shiny, when all my life my skin has been grey and my hair dull. My nails are also stronger than ever but my nails have always been awesome :D Here's what Udo's Oil looks like, you can get it in capsule form or in plain oil form, and it's nothing like cod liver oil, it doesn't taste bad - I stir it into my food and I can't taste the difference.

I also love putting olive oil in my hair like the old Italian lady that I am.

Now, the related topic of today - the avocado hair mask I made. Fucking disgusting ha, I'm going to go ahead and call it a failed experiment. I was gonna show you how to do it and everything but Christ I wouldn't do it again. Now I won't say it destroyed my hair or anything, my hair is absolutely fine. This stuff was just horrific.

I used an avocado, an egg yolk, olive oil and natural yoghurt - honestly I'd say the yoghurt was where I went wrong, it smelled rotten. It may well be fine without the yoghurt but I'm still put off it for life. I mixed it all up in a bowl and this is what it looked like:

Gross, right? But I had faith (for some reason). I put it in my hair. Maybe I didn't mash it up enough because it had lumps and looked like sick. I'm not even gonna show you the picture, bad memories (ha just kidding I'm a classy burd). I wrapped cling film round my head, I admit it was mostly to contain the smell lol.

Bonus pic: Me with cling film on my head, no make-up and panda eyes. I'm literally so sexy that I have to do this by law, otherwise it wouldn't be fair on anyone else.

I'm sticking to simple hair ideas from now on.

Woo!

2011-03-21T12:34:00.000Z

I figured out how to fix my background, I rock :) That was driving me crazy. Look at it now, how cute is that?! By the way, have a look at my mum's blog :)

2011-03-21T11:54:00.002Z

I always choose horrific, non-descriptive titles so I'm going to leave choosing a title till the end of this post. So I'll probably forget, sorry!

I'm tired of my life and I can't wait for it to change. I'm looking for a new place to live and I hope that will refresh me lol! I want to spend some time concentrating on my creative side, I want to cook elaborate recipes for the people I love, I want to paint and to make things and I want to make money! I'm so poor it's completely ridiculous. I'm so jealous of people on the poverty line, they're rolling in it compared to me lol! I went to spend hours writing and get so into it that I forget to eat and the time runs away from me. I want to decorate a home for myself and of course I want to blog about it all.

I feel so homeless right now. I have a place to live and the company is good, but I love decorating and rearranging and finding something adorable in a charity shop and trying to find a place for it.

I also like routine and I like being alone. I like stretching out. I want a place to call my own, where I can arrive home and come inside from the lashing rain, light the fire and luxuriate. I also want to be able to walk around the house naked with nobody around to disturb.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not an entirely solitary creature. I want to go up to Dublin and see my best friends Ellie and Koren, I want to host thumping rave parties! I want my parents to come over and I want to have home made scones waiting for them. I want to visit my friends and family all the time, and I want a visit to my place to be a treat. I want to become a member of my community too. I want to Get Involved. I never do anything. I'm lazy.

So here I am, poring over daft.ie like the saddo that I am.

Goodfellas

2011-03-15T15:20:00.001Z

This is such a good movie! I didn't think I was going to like it and no, I hadn't seen it before, but Mark insisted I'd love it and he put it on and it was wonderful. Mark's dad has an awesome cinema room in his house with a great big projector and we watched it on that, on DVD and everything, no stealing for us! Lol, and of course no movie night is complete without Doritos and sour cream dip.

Mark wouldn't let me leave these photos up.

Oh and I got a tarot deck. Mark got it as a present with a note attached "You don't need to be so rational!" He gave it to me lol. I'm gonna become an awesome tarot reader. I totally believe in it. My mother reads my tarot cards sometimes and they're oh-my-god accurate. I have some Wisdom of Avalon cards that I like too but I prefer classic things and I always want the original. They've got gorgeous illustrations too.

Happiness is the simple things like watching great movies and getting new stuff :)

Sunday Adventures :)

2011-03-14T18:43:00.006Z

I want to preface this by thanking Alice from Pretty Baby Doll so much for making my gorgeous banner/header thingy; I love it!

Mark and I decided we'd go on an adventure. Saturday night we promised each other we'd get up at eight am the next morning. We didn't. But we did get up eventually. Marky is so lovely :) I promised to make waffles for breakfast, but first I did my make up... and my mum was around so I did hers too! Here's our 'after' picture lol, still in our dressing gowns.

Mark took this photo. He was pretty bored waiting for us to finish so when we did I obviously had to camwhore with him. He's so gorgeous!

Then it was waffle time. My family mysteriously started loving me at this point. Om nom.

The batter doesn't look that appetising but it was amazing. I beat the egg whites first and that's what the random lumps are. Oops I put too much in the waffle maker... My mum doesn't seem to mind though.

Here's what I did with my waffle. Half maple syrup, half Nutella. By the way, when you pull them apart they're heart shapes which I think is adorable. *inhales*

Bellies full, Marky and I set off. At this stage we still hadn't decided or even really thought about where we were going, but we put New Slang on the radio and drove into the sunbeams. Start listening to this song now to get the feel for the rest of this post... It makes me nostalgic for events that never happened.

Eventually anyway we ended driving through Ballyforan and you can't drive through Ballyforan without stopping to buy some Maureen's coleslaw from Maureen's shop. This stuff is miraculous. Hailed as a hangover cure, the secret is supposedly that she makes her own mayonnaise. In Maureen's shop I also spotted an awesome hat that I had to have and it was only three euros :)

We drove down little winding roads at random, following brown signs (brown signs point to heritage sites) and eventually came upon this old creaky bridge over the river Suck. Here's Mark, I told him to cheesy grin.

This is the shaggin' wagon by the way. We were too scared to drive it over the bridge though. You'll see why!

We went for a walk over the bridge anyway, we're mad like that.

Do you think this bridge can take a car? The answer is yes, it can, in fact it can take a tractor and we know this because we saw the tracks either side of it. The river was flowing fast though and we weren't brave enough to try it.

Here's Mark testing to see how wobbly the beams are... pretty wobbly. I'm so lucky to have such an awesome boyfriend. Where did I find him?

We went home. Cuddled and stuff, you know, we're sickening :) What a great day.

dubious

2011-03-12T20:12:00.002Z

i'm dubious of your blue march morning glow.

for what do you want me?

we don't want the same things,

i'm so alone.

i want your love, a piece of you -

i don't want your march morning frost

but your unbridled summer dew.

I want my life to be real

2011-03-06T19:34:00.002Z

I want money. I want to afford stuff. I want to walk into a charity shop and buy all the books that I want. I don't ask for much. I love old, yellow, dog-eared books. I want to fold down the pages, I want to fling the book I'm reading on the floor so I can cuddle Mark. I know some people who read their books carefully, they use a bookmark and they try not to crease the spine, but books are meant to be loved, and used, and gone back to again and again, and I think you should write in the margins, even if you're only writing your shopping list. Books are very hardy, they don't need to be mollycoddled.

I also want a pet. I want a cute little dog to love. Dogs are meant to be mollycoddled.

A Sunny Saturday

2011-03-05T11:19:00.002Z

I've come off my tablets. I haven't told anyone till now. I feel great. I take Udo's oil capsules instead now. They're good for my hair and skin too, Prozac can't say that.

I'm miserably poor. It's good though, I don't have any money for sweets so I'm losing weight. And I'm looking for a part-time job. I want to save up and go to beauty school. That's what I've always pictured myself doing, I don't know why I went to university to do anthropology. Don't get me wrong, anthropology is actually great, I just can't see myself doing it for a living. Even if it would be cool. And still, it's good to have gotten the points for university so that the option will always be open to me if I change my mind.

My parents have gone away and I'm minding our dogs and cat. I love Ricky and Tipsy. They're serious cuties. My cat Cookie is evil but makes up for it with his pretty face :)

I like being alone. After a couple days I'll be lonely but right now I like dancing to Walking on Sunshine in the kitchen, acting as if my audience are outside the window and performing to them. Tipsy came in from the sitting room to stare at me, head tilted, as if I were mad.

Already today I've also gone through my wardrobe and bagged up all the clothes that are too small for me. I was surprised, there were fewer than I imagined. Still, as I held up a tiny, tiny pair of gingham shorts I couldn't believe that I had ever been that size. I'm just putting them away in the attic for a while, I'm not giving them away because that's bad karma! I found one dress that's too big for me though, and that's going to the charity shop!

Oh. But last night I got hit on the head with a laptop (long story lol) and I still have a bad headache.

A fascinating post about my hair

2010-12-08T23:20:00.002Z

I'm growing it to terminal length. Basically, I'm going to grow it until it will grow no more. I imagine that will be about knee-length.

Now this may not be so easy seeing as I cannot restrain myself from bleaching my black hair blonde, but I have devised a plan! (Cue boring hair plan).

I've decided to only bleach my roots twice a year, and to only get it done in a stupidly expensive salon. It looks weird and it costs a lot but it's worth it because I like having blonde hair and because the condition of it is so good when it's done this way. Besides, some boys recently told me that they "like the black" and also I don't want to grow out my natural colour because that would mean cutting my hair to two inches long and starting over. By the way, I discovered that not bleaching my roots for six months was good for my hair through pure poverty.

Next, I've decided to reduce how often I wash my hair. Normally, I washed my hair every second day, but I've reduced it to every third or fourth day, depending on what I'm doing. I've also started using coconut oil in my hair for a few hours before I wash it. It comes in a jar, hard, so you just dig it out and rub it in your hands to melt it, then put it in your hair.

When I'm washing my hair, I put conditioner in before I shampoo it, and I don't rinse it out. I then shampoo the roots only, I don't pile my hair on top of my head. I rinse it all out normally and then condition as normal. I leave the conditioner on while I complete my showerly duties and rinse it out at the end. Just before I get out I rub a pea-sized dot of conditioner all over my palms and put it through my hair, I don't rinse this out.

When I get out of the shower I don't towel-dry my hair because this roughs it up and leaves it frizzy because it's so delicate. I just put a towel around my shoulders and let it drip dry.

Finally, and most importantly, I've given up heat of any kind - no blow-drying and definitely no straightening. I'll let myself straighten/curl for special occasions though.

I've only been doing this for a week and already my frizzy, dead, bleached hair is soft and shiny so hopefully it will stop breaking off at the ends and GROW!

Cry for help

2010-11-14T14:33:00.003Z

It was such a slap in the face to be told that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, and that there is absolutely no reason for me to be there.

"I'm dying."

"No you're not.

Come back in five weeks and we'll see how you are."

I won't survive five weeks.

I won't survive five minutes.

I tried really hard. I fought really hard. You have no idea how insurmountable it seemed to ask for help, but I did. And I kept fighting, I kept asking for help but nobody has helped me. Nothing has changed. They have failed me.

Cheating

2010-11-13T16:49:00.002Z

I think it's the most disgusting thing ever. Why would you do it? If you want to have sex with random, dirty people you met in a club, be single. If you want to have sex with someone you chose and worked for, someone who's always there for you, someone who's your best friend, someone who you love to hang out with, someone who knows what you like, be in a relationship. You can't have both, and why would you want both?

It just makes me so mad to see people who cheat all the time, people in long-term relationships with partners who appreciate them and love them so much, and they just say, "Everyone does it. It's in our nature." Well no, I don't think it's in our nature at all. We need monogamous relationships because unlike gorillas, who people who say this base their judgement on, we don't have a struggling population. Mating for life creates a population that is diverse and therefore better defended against disease. But I'm almost going off topic here.

I would never, ever cheat on Mark, because it would be pointless. I chose him because he is everything I want in a man. He's perfect, why would I want to go out to a club and settle for something less? Nobody could compare. Why go out to a club and get with someone not as good when he's there in my home with a big smile on his beautiful face, waiting for me with love and cuddles and chocolate?

No Dawn, No Day; I'm always in this twilight.

2010-11-01T21:58:00.003Z

Today was pretty cool, Mark and I pretended to be real people which was an unusual experience to say the least. We got up at eight am and I moisturised my face, then we ate breakfast at the dining table instead of inhaling a Nature Valley bar on the way to college. I always get the urge to go "Crunchy Nature Valley bar" in a Welsh accent. You would be jealous though.

Anyway I went to college and parked the car with minimal crashing/casualty and went to my first nine am philosophy turtorial, which is a big deal for me, it was hard and I'm happy I did it. I then went home for two hours and ate an orange like a real person.

On my way to my German lab I found a lost kitten hiding under the lockers in the arts block and I didn't go to German, but I read another two chapters of Dorian Gray and went to Philosophy of Religion.

I'm trying to finish all the books I've ever started, in the manner of a real person; I started Dorian Gray when I was twelve so that's the stage I'm at now.

Anyway, after college we went to Woodie's to get paint for my room and while I was there I spotted this eighteen hundreds looking bird cage which I had to have even if it meant I couldn't eat for a week. Currently it's in my room happily housing a cuddly elephant toy. It's my favourite thing that I have ever bought.

Long story short, I didn't paint my room today. But I tidied it and got it ready. Baby steps.

Progress

2010-10-31T18:14:00.002Z

Okay, so I admit, I haven't been getting much done lately, but baby steps. Today I shaved my armpits! I'm hoping to paint my room this week, it's my goal for the next five days. Nothing spectacular, just warm cream, I live in a rented house so I have to keep it neutral. My room looks like it hasn't been painted since the seventies when it was built, but paint doesn't cost too much and it will make all the difference. It will make me feel better about getting up in the morning too :D Pictures coming! Now I have to do it because I've promised pictures!

2010-10-24T02:09:00.001+01:00

please help me. i know someone's out there?

escape

2010-10-24T00:51:00.001+01:00

i feel a bit like going for a drive. where should i drive to?

help me.

2010-10-24T00:49:00.000+01:00

i'm going to stay up all night because if i close my eyes it will take me. i just want it to stop.

Failure

2010-10-23T23:38:00.002+01:00

I could have gotten 600 points and gone to college to do medicine. Alas, I didn't, not because I don't have the smarts but because I don't have the mental wherewithal. Maybe I will use all this extra arts degree time to come up with something meaningful to mankind, some nobel-worthy literature from the mind of a madwoman. I'm completely lost. My life is meaningless.

I've completely lost my mind. I'm trapped, I'm sick of being me and I can't unzip myself and climb out like I want to. I can't make it stop. I'm locked in a bunker deep underground and it's really dark in here. Nobody understands. I've been asked, "Why don't you just do the assignment?" Well, that would be fucking peachy, wouldn't it? I'd love to 'just' snap out of it, 'just' get of bed and go to college and 'just do' the assignments. It's not because I'm stressed at starting college like everyone else. It's not because I'm lazy. It's not because I'm a perfectionist, and it's not because I lack social skills.

My social skills are wonderful. You should see me. You'd never know I'm battling an inner lunatic during a normal social interaction.

It's all a lot more serious than that. I can't get out of bed, and when I do, I'm screaming on the inside. The thoughts of performing a normal, everyday activity is completely overwhelming. I look absolutely fine though, so I must be absolutely fine. That's how it works, isn't it?

It's bad enough to be cripplingly, life-threateningly sick, now imagine you're dying and everyone around you is asking you why you didn't 'just do' the assignment. Or worse, telling you that you have no social skills; where did they even get that idea? They've completely got the wrong end of the stick!

It's gotten to the unbearable stage but there is nothing I can do. I can do nothing and suffer unbearable pain and madness and die, or I can seek help and be treated like an attention-seeker. I cannot bear this. Nobody knows how utterly crippling it is. Nobody knows how hard it is, and I can't tell them. There are no words. Please help me. Please please please please please. I have been at the unbearable stage for weeks, I don't know how I am still alive, and nothing has changed since the start. I need help now. I need it to stop right now. My thoughts are racing. Help me please. Please.

I don't know what to say or do. There is nothing I can do, and I can't bear it. I want to scratch my skin off and jump out of my body and escape.

2010-04-24T23:01:00.003+01:00

A lightless Earth meets a starless sky

When the snow ceases

And I wander the world

In search of inspiration.

In Blue

2010-04-24T23:00:00.000+01:00

in blue

the world fades

the pallid light

you glow, beautiful

i turn away.

Oh no.

2010-04-24T22:56:00.002+01:00

Drowned in the warm soft rain

I've always wished that I was all alone

I've always wished that you were on my own.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be found

I wonder if I was ever lost in the first place

It would be so easy to say I was never lost in the first place

I think you need to blow me away.

Slowly, surely, I think you're doing just that

You're creeping up on me and I'm spiralling.

I can't show anyone my world.

Mark

2010-04-24T22:53:00.003+01:00

Your eyes are oceans full of diamonds

And love, and sadness,

Your body is so vivid to me

The body of a god

Your cheeks are so rosy and full of life

I adore you.

You are so alive!

Your hands approach every task with certainty

And confidence

With immense power

But impossibly gentle

And loving.

Your smile so bright and easy

And you love me.

2010-03-24T21:37:00.000Z

I cannot live.

2010-01-18T20:57:00.001Z

He's arresting.

grey mist

2010-01-11T01:17:00.002Z

i want to go down to the sea again
to be
alone.

i want to die again
to be washed away
again.

i want to go down to the sea again
to sit
and wait
for wave to swallow me
until i turn to stone.

galaxy

2009-11-01T18:48:00.002Z

there is a galaxy of stars exploding in my chest
i think i would be happy, were it not for my agony
there is a rainbow piercing my soul
your light is blinding the world.

it's so dark, so desolate, so airy
a breeze
a zephyr pressurises my head
my skull is caving in
a breeze is gently ripping me to pieces
you're so far away in the tiny world
i'm so high up, the wind whipping around me
around the stars
the tiny pinprick of the green earth sits so still in the distance
i dance further away from you.

no

2009-11-01T18:43:00.002Z

it's so real, oh please, it's too real
i wish i could wake up, i wish it would go away,
i wish this wasn't real but everywhere i go it haunts me
i will never forget, i can't, i don't want to,
i want you to haunt me
i need you back so badly
i cannot breathe without you,
your casket sits on my chest but you're not inside
not a whisp of you
where are you?
the world cannot possibly exist without you
it is so irrevocably depopulated
i'm looking for you, i will always be looking for you
for your smell
i miss you so much, where are you?
because i know you can't be gone
i don't believe that you're gone
you can't have descended into nothing
when you were so much
that can't have just disappeared
i want to open my eyes but i'm so far under.

come back

2009-11-01T18:37:00.002Z

i miss you. why can't we drop out of school and college and run away together into the sunset and live under a rainbow?

there's something massive trapped inside of me
something the whole world needs to hear
it's inside me but it's so far away
it's clawing its way out
it's ripping me to shreds
but it's okay, i'm waiting to be relieved
to finally birth this monster
to set it upon the world
i'm sorry but you all need to know
there's a huge something ripping its way from my belly
from the cavernous depths of hell
the warm, safe, soundless depths of hell
it's my duty to die for a truth no-one wants to hear.

most beautiful person in the world

2009-09-28T20:01:00.000+01:00

i miss you so much, i can't bear it
i cannot carry this pain
i need you beside me, i need your smile,
your eyes, your lips, your hair, your arms, your smell,
my bed is a mile wide without you
i'm freezing to death while my infinite bed hurtles through the jet black universe because your weight isn't holding it down
i'm so tiny without you by my side
you're so massive and warm
my forehead is screaming for one of your kisses
i need you so badly, you're tearing me to pieces,
please come home so i can sleep
i've been awake for a hundred years
i just want to lie down in your soft, safe, warm arms and sleep
i cannot do this without you
i cannot live a single day without you
i need you more than my next breath
i cannot sleep beneath the weight of this longing.

How can the most incredible angel in the world be sad?
How can he look out from those beautiful blue eyes through a haze of tears?
...could he live if he could see how grey the world is compared to him?
How can the most exquisite face in the world look down
in search of his own worth?
Why can't he see that he is what god made
when he wanted to show us what he could do?

Time

2009-09-14T19:02:00.002+01:00

TIME PASSES. EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN WHEN EVERY TICK OF THE SECOND HAND ACHES. EVEN FOR ME.

in the worst way

2009-08-12T21:38:00.002+01:00

i just want to inhale myself
i want to shiver and squint through my pallor
i want to disappear
to dissolve into a colossal nothingness
an absolute empty
i want to eat myself alive
i want to consolidate all my worries into one little bite
it feels so holy,
a thousand years of wind blowing through my soul.

i just wanna break you down so badly

2009-08-12T17:40:00.002+01:00

i will never be you
i will never sing your song
i'm too busy being the something that i am
i'm too busy dying of loneliness in a crowded room
dying of loneliness with you
because you can live without me
or can you? really?
maybe you have too much to die
but not enough to stay alive.

once upon a time i believed
that one day we could be
one day the would will be as it should
minutes before it ends.
and here i am in a chasm of hope
scribbling love poems to a closed book
poems that you will never hear
songs that i will never sing
because i, despite what i write,
know the truth.

coward. the next time you want to fuck me over, stab me in the front.

2009-08-01T13:37:00.002+01:00

you can see everything by the light that blinded me.

i wish i could create a world like that
of magnetic darkness and shimmering blue light
of cold hands and flaming cheeks
you don't know how desperately i need to gasp your air
you don't know how long i've been under water.

the bottom is falling out of my soul.

"sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated." - lamartine.

wishing

2009-07-31T15:01:00.001+01:00

that there were words to describe you,
but i'm a slave to the constraints of the english language.

i don't like it.

watching you walk away

2009-07-31T13:41:00.003+01:00

i decompose in my squalid cell
while you glide through your snow-white life
your spotless life
without me
with my necrotic heart in your chest
little do you know
that my necrotic heart is in your chest
where it beats itself to death
in your snow-white chest
...please.

just give me something to hold on to.
all i want is you.

2009-07-13T02:33:00.002+01:00

i'm just a girl, born at the bottom of the world
back in the day when dying happened to everyone
back when the only way was up.

hair hair hair

2009-07-02T21:43:00.003+01:00

i'm in love. with that hair on the peter mark ad. yeah i know it's a little ambitious falling in love with hair from a peter mark ad but oh please i want it more than i want my next breath. just look! at first glance it doesn't look like anything that special but i just can't stop thinking about it. am i the only one who can actually not stop thinking about a hairstyle? oh but it's gorgeous. i'm not normal.

i can't remember if i've posted this before. useless.

2009-06-28T19:46:00.003+01:00

i think a part of you still loves me,
and i don't care.
you make me think that i've done wrong,
you make me want to die,
but if you were worth crying for
you wouldn't make me cry.

if only you could see the world through my eyes

2009-06-09T00:58:00.002+01:00

it's bleakly beautiful. i always see it from an angle as if i'm on the outside looking in. like i'm outside the window of a house peeping in, invading and doing something i shouldn't be doing. i'm not a part of all this. it's so far away from me. the wind in my soul is icier than a thousand years of dancing, all-consuming snow.

in the middle of the road

2009-06-09T00:24:00.002+01:00

the whole world has just carried on without me and i'm sitting in the middle of the vast expanse of road, alone for miles upon miles in every direction, cold wind whipping around me. i'm kind of empty in an abstract sort of way, i've pushed myself so far away from my emotions that i'm only vaguely aware of this emptiness. the grey-white light leaks into my body but it's not the good kind of light. it's the kind of light that consumes absolutely everything because there's nothing there in the first place, the kind of light that only illuminations your desolation, the kind of light that shows you just how alone you are and just how empty your world is. the kind of light that blinds you from seeing that there's nothing there. why do you keep looking? there's nothing there. the whole world is millions of light years ahead of me and i'm just siting in the middle of the road wondering what's happened. it's one of those memories that you know is right there on the edge of your conscience but you just can't reach it. or maybe i can reach it but i don't want to. sometimes people change but it happens so slowly i refuse to believe it happens. they start off so nice but somehow this nice person just evacuates their body and there's this shell walking around. and you can never get the nice person back. and you think this person is nice and different so when they do something bad to you, you're not quite sure it even happened. you even convince yourself that it's just you being paranoid. you can't believe this person would do such a thing, it's just so unlike them. well, trust your instinct when you think your resident nice different person might maybe possibly have let you down. because they have. and they will do it over and over again. and you'll be left in the middle of the road, wondering, "wait, did that just happen?"

2009-06-01T22:41:00.000+01:00

it's hard to carry this burden when i'm the one to blame
instead of ever loving me you'll never know my name

summer

2009-06-01T22:12:00.001+01:00

your voice is like fog
and every year that passed me by,
every season is just one long summer day and one eternal winter night
your voice like falling mist surrounds me
breathes my name from every direction
swirls pearlescent in the steel blue sky
like the freezing, snowy breath that whispers through the frosty leaves
when all the living are sleeping
nobody hears me sigh,
though it feels like my longing cools the entire world.

2009-06-01T01:32:00.002+01:00

you're like a flash in the dark. you're the sudden, blinding, bolt of white light in a universe of infinite darkness. but after i see you i'm blinded to absolutely everything else. i don't see what anyone else can see in anyone else. after i see you, i never see anything again. and i don't mind. you're a searing bright light in the universe, and a bright light casts a dark shadow. you're an all-consuming flare, but after you there can only be darkness. after you my eyes are forever and ever open, seeing nothing at all. looking at everything and seeing nothing. just as i talk and talk but never say a word.

why i haven't been posting a whole lot lately

2009-05-31T23:39:00.001+01:00

i have an incredibly low ceiling for happiness, while my floor for pain is bottomless. i can think of endless metaphors for sadness but only one for happiness, and i
stole that from my boyfriend anyway. anyway, i'm happy now. i can function. but i can't write. what scares me is i sometimes think i'd rather write.

for the death i have yet to die

2009-05-24T01:38:00.000+01:00

i still see your face
regarding me like one day you're not gonna stop loving me
i know you're all a dream
i know you're all me
come on have your way with me
i know i'll wake up i know your type
i know i created you
the wind doesn't blow on your face
i didn't consider that
you exist only in my dreams
nothing like you could be real
the whole world blurs
nothing has colour compared with you
you shine so brightly i'm blinded to every other sight
you shine so brightly you illuminate my jet black heart

elsie goes soft

2009-05-24T01:02:00.000+01:00

i miss you when you're gone
like i know it's all a dream, everything
everything is grey
like every sky is grey when you're gone
when you're here every sky is jet black and sparkling
twinkling in the velvet
me and you
twinkling star-crossed sometimes i wonder
how long til you're gone forever?
dancing in the velvet near the water
so close to dancing in
drowning in the velvet sometimes i wonder
why do i miss you when you're gone?

if only

2009-05-17T21:46:00.002+01:00

i'd give absolutely anything to look like jayne mansfield.

prettier than you

2009-05-14T18:17:00.002+01:00

http://www.anaface.com
it'll destroy your soul

sometimes i just wish i could evacuate the crazy

2009-05-13T16:27:00.002+01:00

"you'll all be lovely citizens,"
"you'll all grow up to be lovely, responsible citizens."
this was the moment i realised i was going to commit suicide. really, i try so hard. civil disobedience. always trying to fuck up little things. doing whatever 4chan tells me to. i'm not supposed to want to be a part of anyone's army. i just want to feel a part of something bigger. i feel a thousand years old. i feel like a grey, dusty, crumbling corpse. a beautiful blonde skeleton, with maggots pouring from my eye sockets. the stench of death surrounds me, swellibng to permeate every nook and cranny of every soul in the world. and i'm the only one who notices. there's something huge and necessary as oxygen missing from the world, and i'm the only one who notices.

getting away with murder

2009-04-14T02:00:00.003+01:00

i generally don't think about religion much, because i know that if i start thinking, i won't be able to stop. i spent about four years trying to wind my head around it all, then decided it was only depressing me. i've always been a quick learner. but anyway. sometimes i wonder, what if there is a god, and what if he really is as judgemental as we're told? i'm of the disposition that if he didn't want me this way, he wouldn't have made me this way, but what if? and if he did make us all, it must have been a labour of love because when i play the sims it's fun for a few hours before it just gets annoying and boring. even if you turn off free will they still ignore my commands! ...anyway. what if i'm going to be met at the pearly gates by disapproving frowns and that sort of thing. i've committed sins considered mortal by the bible, and entirely socially acceptable in today's world. i need to get my arse into a confessional.

person

2009-04-13T00:56:00.001+01:00

i wish i knew quite what you made of me, but for now im happy just knowing what i make of you, and not telling you. i also hate you. you stupid boy.

DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!

2009-03-30T15:58:00.003+01:00

wtf! she's short and fat and stretch-marky and that's just the physical stuff! she's a horrible person on the inside, and what's more is you know it, you used always be telling me about it!! i don't understand! i'm slightly less short, skinny, not stretch-marky and i'm lovely on the inside (believe it or not, from reading this blog...) i don't understand. look at you! why would you have her when you could have had me? a blind man could see i'm millions of times better than her in every way! i starved myself and lost two stone, and you run off with a girl who weighs two stone more than i did in the first place?! that's a big boo-boo on your part. wow, what a trade down, lucky you, at least i can say you deserve each other, still, if you could have had a girl you didn't deserve why didn't you?! at least i was right when i said that once you'd have me, you could only trade down. what's that coming over the tracks...? oh, and she goes on and on about her eating disorder. i'm sorry, but have you ever seen a 12-stone anorexic? please!

"i didn't get your list of correct answers" "really cause i posted it last week"

2009-03-17T22:33:00.002Z

i wish i could take this away from you, i wish i could buy it from you and take it myself instead. i just want you to be
happy, not because that's good for you, that's just a nice side-effect. no, i just want attention from you, i want you to
love me again, something you can't do while your heart is broken.

i'm sick and tired of the fact that you still exist somewhere. i wish your memory would go away, it's boring me now.

losing you hurts more than words could ever, ever explain. it's beyond agony, it's a million miles beyond torture, but i
keep smiling, not because i'm two-faced. i can be happy and sad at the same time. i can be thinking and remembering at the
same time as keeping my mind blank and blocking out memories. i miss you so much. i need you so badly. i want you back more
than i want my next breath, and i wouldn't think twice about sacrificing my lungs just to be with you. but i can't be with
you, because you don't exist anymore. oh, there is a body double walking about, but he's not you on the inside. i don't
know where you've gone, but i don't want to trust the instinct... the conviction that he is never coming back. it's over,
and you're gone. i love you so much. i would honestly give anything, do anything, pay ANY price to get you back.

one clean week now

2009-03-16T22:03:00.002Z

one clean week and two days. i can't believe it's only been nine days, it feels like years and years since i last spoke to you. it's not getting any easier, in fact it's getting harder and harder. i need desperately to hear your voice, but it's pointless because the person speaking won't be the same you who i loved.
give me one good reason why i should give up on you. i know i can do so much better but why don't i want to? and why do you want me to? all the paths i walk head straight for you, no matter which way i turn i'm on your road again, i'm outside your house again, pretending like nothing's wrong. it's pointless, we both know that everything is hideously wrong, it's seeping from every pore in our bodies like a jet black stinking tar. i just want to escape this endless cycle but the path i'm walking is a roundabout. the path i'm walking is a maze and i can't run away. i just want to run away, but the faster i run the quicker i get to you. i'm faced with a dead end. i'm faced with your face. i was in love with you. i am in love with you. maybe one day you'll be in love with me. the farce that was our love is over. i'm in a much better state than i was when there was still hope for us. i hate being so hopeful, so optimistic, i only get disappointed. i knew what you were like. i knew you'd do this to me. and still i danced down your path. still i risked it all for what i knew would be a fall. i wanted to fall. i wanted us to fall. i was sick of trying to fly while i was drowning in the blackness. i never had enough of you to stay alive, always too much to die.
i just want to die.
finally you allow me to die.

we possibly might know someone who's following the mexican team as well

2009-03-15T16:36:00.000Z

the minute i realised i physically could write about sex, i began to do so. this is quite alright in my book, which is not
yet quite a real thing, but as for my blog... my friends read that, and there is some stuff which they are better off not
knowing about each other.

i gave you absolutely everything that i was and you took it all. you gave me some of yourself and you took it all back. but
at least i have one thing of yours which you can't take back. you got enough for two people and i got fucking useless
nothing which i don't even care about. my heart is broken. there, at last, i admitted it. my heart is broken. a great,
black ravine runs down its centre and my soul is in the ravine... my heart is broken.

i gave all that i possibly could and felt no regret, i wanted you to have it. do you miss it? is there a great, empty,
blinding, white space in your stone heart where my love used to be? i wonder if you're listening?

the last few days, i've been having urges to ring you on a private number and not say anything, just to hear your voice. i
don't think i could resist talking back to it though. it would destroy me to hear your voice turn angry at me. i keep
forgetting that you're mad at me. i don't know what i'm thinking. like we should still be friends. after all that you've
done to me, after all that you've put me through, you're mad at me? why are you allowed to be mad at me? and i'm not mad
at you, i'm not thinking of you. but by some collossal injustice, you are allowed to be mad at me.

when i am so loving, how did i fall in love with a sculpture? perfect, beautiful, cold, hard, devoid of emotion, unmoving.

you were an impossible man to love, and yet i managed.

i don't care how much you'll invest yourself in me

2009-03-12T20:14:00.000Z

trust the nice men even less than the nasty men. if it's too good to be true, it probably isn't. there is always a catch.
they are the most serpentine of all.

bitter? moi? you say it like i shouldn't be. i knew what you were like, but you can't choose who you love. i knew you'd
only hurt me, you'd only push me away. why did i bother jumping from that cliff? i knew there was only so far i could fly
before i hit the ground. why did you push me from that cliff? you knew you'd only hurt me too. you were convinced that i'd
hurt you.

you told me you'd die without me... but you're still alive. still alive. while inside i've died.

you didn't love me at all. for you, nothing has changed. you kept telling me nothing has changed. fucking everything has
changed.

i put all my eggs in your basket.

a passion ending so the world ceases turning

2009-03-11T12:25:00.001Z

you can cry all you won't but it won't wash away what you've done, you can cry a great ocean but it won't wash away what
you've done yourself out of. you're so much heavier, taller, stronger than me. it hurts too much. i'm too in love with you to give in. hey,
c'mere. i want this too much. i needed you to want me, and you did. for a brief few hours, you wanted me.

i chose elsie dollheart so that people wouldn't get what they were expecting. i chose the sweetest, most romantic name i
could think of. usually, in order to send people a message, you need to blindside them. it's initials are also e.d., a
subject with which i am obsessed, although it's a shame to say that wasn't intentional. you know what's funny? as i'm
writing this, my english teacher thinks i'm taking notes on 'lines written on a seat by the grand canal, dublin.' what
drivel. but if you like it... you haven't got a brain.

watching people brush their hair is fascinating. it was yet another ordinary thing which you made extraordinary.

the same situations, just different faces

2009-03-10T15:15:00.002Z

i can't really comprehend, let alone cope with the fact that your life may be going on. every time i picture you and what
you're doing, i see you lying horizontally across your bed, or on your couch playing that fucking xbox of yours - the
way i knew you. i can't picture that your world continued to turn without me.

it's most likely that you're not at home. you've probably, definitely gone back to college. nobody there probably even
knows about us. you hid me away, after all. i can't imagine that you have thoughts or a mind. i planted every single
thought you ever had in your head, so how are you doing without me?

you must think about me, you must. do you miss me? was i not even
the star in my own relationship? i must say, i performed excellently, but i felt more like an extra.

do you regret ever going near me? do you wish you were near me right now? you
created this person. i wasn't like this when we were together, even if i should have been. you created this monster. this
is your fault, not mine. it's not me, it's you. the great thing though, at the end of all this is that i am still hot and
you are still horsey. i will find someone better than you, and you will never, ever find a girl half as good as me, and if
you did you'd be blessed. this gives me a very warm feeling inside, although it could just be the feeling of my internal
organs phailing me.

i wonder if you're listening?

2009-03-09T19:32:00.002Z

it's just no good. there's just no god. and even if there was, he wouldn't give a shit about you. it's like someone
who owns an ant farm. which happens to be overrun with billions upon billions of ants which are multiplying by the minute.
how can you look after one individual ant? you give them food, but how can you tell that each one gets an equal share?

i think space exploration is a Bad Idea. it's kind of like the ants escaping from the tank. sooner or later, they are going
to get walked on.

i need to start thinking about you again soon. fifty days have made me older since the last time that i saw your
horsey face. fifty days. i'm still holding on, i'm still alive, so i'm going to go ahead and assume that i will remain
alive for the forseeable future. i don't think having your heart, soul and general entire middle ripped out is a fatal
injury after all. but am i only still alive because i've refused to think about you?

it sounds twisted, but this is why i need to start thinking about you again. i suppose i want to remember you fondly, but
i only want them to be memories. i never want to speak to you again, you will destroy me. because if i get hopeful again...
you completely and utterly destroyed me with hope that you could ever, ever love me or indeed any other human being. how
stupid could i be? you love guns. you love guitars. you love your dog... there's no room in your heart for me, regardless
of how perfect, beautiful, intelligent, funny and kind i am. although you said yourself i was almost perfect in every way,
and i was the best thing that ever happened to you - so what went wrong? what's missing? i didn't provide you with a single
reason not to love me... so why don't you?

but i digress. i need to think about you again, i need to slowly, healthily re-introduce you into my thoughts. as if i ever
did anything slowly or healthily. if i continue to block you out like this, i'll develop a complete block against you,
involving several-times-daily flashbacks, though not so much flashbacks as flickering memories of memories, flashbacks
which make me retch and gag with longing and repulsion. longing and repulsion. you're beautiful. i mean that so strongly, i
use that word as powerfully as possible. you're so beautiful it's crippling for me to remember you.

i detest the word, 'feverishly.'

and buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart

2009-03-06T18:55:00.000Z

when i started school at the age of four, i went through hell over my shoes. there were these two girls, one of them was
named kelly and had black hair, and the other had blonde hair and i can't remember her name. she obviously hasn't made much
of an impact on my life, but anyway, these days i have a much better sense of identity thanks to my mother forcing me to
wear jesus creepers when i was in baby infants. really, i do. jesus was obviously really cool and nice, otherwise why would
he be so popular? unless he was one of those popular people who was so threatening that everyone was just too scared to
not be his friend...

on turning eighteen: smoking is actually that much fun, now that i'm allowed to do it. it still gives me cancer though, i
continue to feel naughty when i do it. then again, milk gives you cancer too. cycling bicycles gives you cancer.

graffiti is pointless in this town. the population have the approximate collective iq of a parsnip, and wouldn't be able to
understand the messages i think the world need to know. either that, or they would choose not to be able to understand.

what does santa claus do for hallowe'en?

2009-03-05T18:01:00.003Z

for every minute of happiness in life, there's a month of misery. why do we remember the insults, but not that compliments?
but there's someone in my head, so i wouldn't be happy if all my dreams came true. which they have. unfortunately, you can
wake up in real life, too.

my backstage ryder:
an electric blanket
a kitten to play with
a bouncing castle made of jelly
voshka
a band
and it all has to be in a pinhata.

when i see people eating, it makes me want to not eat. eating disorders are really, really fun. but i don't have one.

if you don't like emos, don't read this

2009-03-04T17:41:00.002Z

i like having no heart, imagine everything that the human race could do if it had no heart? but i think this ice is
thawing, the agony arriving. i can vaguely feel it if i search hard, swollen, though i try not to search at all. i didn't
even consider whether i loved you until last night. that's when i was, once again, arrested by the desire to tell you that
i love you. but i didn't know if i actually loved you. i didn't ask myself, i don't want to know. i didn't cry until the
saturday before yesterday. i started bawling, howling crying at midday and stopped and nine pm. and that was it, then it
was over.

i find it hard to think that i'll never kiss you again or that there's no hope that you'll ever love me again, but it would
destroy me to think that i will and you could. i think i'm the only person in the world who hope utterly demolished. you
never were good enough for me, but i wanted so, so badly for you to be. when you love someone, you want to believe they're
good.

it sucks being so fabulous. it really, really does. because how could anyone ever be good enough for me? you want someone,
but you don't want to settle for just anyone.

but now i'm free, and i'm a machine, made of metal, because that's shinier than stone. i no longer have to deal with your
lack of enthusiasm, your body and mind inertia, i no longer have to babysit you. i can be anything, do anyone. i don't have
to hold back because i'm afraid of dying and hence losing you. i don't care if i die, and for the first time i have hope of
living... but i don't want to. hanging yourself hurts. it's this thing again, this thing where you finally get what you
want and you massively don't want it any more. massively. is any more two words or one?

maybe some day you will know, maybe some day you will grow

2009-03-03T23:44:00.001Z

one day everything you've ever wanted and you finally achieved will be snatched from your grubby hands, and it will be the
best thing that ever happened to you. imagine that you had nothing left to live for. having nothing left to live for. so it
doesn't matter if you die. so you can do anything because there's absolutely nothing to stop you. once you face your
greatest fear and live through it, how could you ever fear anything again? throw it all away. once you don't care if you
live or die, anything is possible.

i'm numb by choice. i'm afraid to explore my emotions... i need to be in pain to write. my agony will make me a
millionaire, and i'll use all the money to kill myself with drink and drugs.

i wish i could stop my world from revolving around you. now that you've cut my chord i briefly imagined i had the freedom
of my life not being worth living, but that freedom disappeared when i realised that every time i closed my eyes i still
saw your face, i still planned my conversations with you, i still wondered if you'd think i'd look nice in that dress. do
you get that? why is my brain wired to think about you? i don't even like you, i don't even care about you, and i'm far too
scared to search for my tiny stone heart to see if it still loves you.

i don't want this ice to thaw, i don't want this numbness to dissipate. for a few perfect days, i didn't need you or anyone
else, i was indestructible, made of metal, and i believed i could do anything. i couldn't find my heart anywhere. i don't
know if it's broken, i can't feel it.

because you can feel your metaphorical heart, can't you? or i could, until thursday 19th. it's sunday 1st today. time
passes, even when you sincerely believe that it would take a million years for a second to pass. but i digress.

i'd like to thank you for dumping me

2009-03-03T23:39:00.000Z

you've probably made me a millionaire. without it, i could never have generated enough biley, bloody hatred to write any of this shit. this upcoming shit which is too evil for here for now...

O hai

2008-04-07T22:22:00.000+01:00

i talk too much. this is my outlet. but i dont have nuffin to write about... yet...